Home Again

Well, we're back at home in Red Lake. (Yes, that choice of words was deliberate.) We were home in Indiana, now we're home in Red Lake. If that sounds confusing, imagine how it feels for the boys. But they're handling it really well. And even though moving to Canada and visiting Indiana and going back to Canada brings up some emotions in all of us, Eli and Evan are part of the reason I know it's right that we moved here for this time in our lives.

In Indiana I had different conversations about how we are doing/how the transition has been/how I'm feeling about being in Canada. It was good for me to put some of the jumble of thoughts and feelings over the past months into words. So here's some of what I told people:

We are doing well. It's going really well. I'm glad we're here. There's another side to it too. Moving up here and becoming part of a new community has been difficult. Sometimes I really struggle, but more than having good days or bad days, it's like the expression "two sides of the same coin." I miss people and life in Goshen. It's hard to start over with friends. But overall, it seems very right that we are here.

Several weeks ago my mom mentioned that even though she knows I struggle, there is something peaceful and right that she sees in our faces in photos. Something about that rang so true with me. That's how I feel. When we drive down Howie Street, Evan points out the library to us. When we cross a certain bridge, the boys point out "our special secret fishing spot." They point out people's houses. They ask to knock on Kendra's door to say hello. They yell "Hi Lamar!" whenever they see him across the parking lot. They even recognize some of the street people and apparently have a favorite. As we passed one man that we see a lot Eli said, "That's my best guy who drinks too much alcohol." They play beaver house and grouse hunting. They know that we like walleye, but aren't so fond of northern pike. They know the circle through the church that is most fun to run with the other boys after the service. They're so happy when they're tromping through the bush. They're comfortable shooting a shotgun. They've gotten good at killing mosquitoes. They're learning to call moose. (That one about shooting a gun was a little joke.)

What I'm trying to say is that it's when I observe them having these experiences and when the experiences become normal for them that I know it's right that we're here. It's good for them to experience something different. They need to experience some of their daddy's life. And I do too.

It also seems so right that we're here when I think about Kendall. He doesn't just absolutely love every moment here. It's been hard for him- in some areas maybe harder than it has been for me. But Kendall didn't expect that it would be heaven. (I think he hoped it would be, but knew that wasn't realistic.) It's difficult to put it into words, but I think there is something about being here that is good for his spirit. This place is a part of Kendall. It's a part of him that I loved until I realized that it might require something really hard from me. But I mostly love it again. And being here for this time in our lives nourishes something in Kendall. It felt really good to be in Indiana. It's been a great summer. I have no regrets about being here for the summer and a part of me wanted Kendall to call and say, "We'll just move back to Indiana." But now I know that if Kendall would say that he doesn't like his job at the hospital here or for whatever reason he just thinks we should move back to Goshen right now, he would have a fight on his hands. I would tell him that I think we need more time in Red Lake than 3 short months. (Of course, he's not considering saying that to me and I feel fear when I wonder if we'll be on the same page at the end of the year. But we'll trust God to work in us in that area.)

The other reason I know it's right that we're in Red Lake is for me. I am learning a lot. I take pride in my bannock-making skills, but it's so much more than that. It's good for me to join a new community. It's good for me to experience being the foreigner. It's good for me to follow my husband and take on some of his identity after years of him following me and taking my friends and my community and my family. I'm learning more about myself. And much more. But you already hear much of that in my posts.

So that's some of what I've been processing over the past week. I do miss Goshen and my relationships there. It was hard to say goodbye again and to watch Eli and Evan say goodbye again. But I am so thankful that right now my doubts about being at home in Red Lake are few. We're doing really well.