We recently had one of the more hilarious conversations of
our 10 ½ years of parenthood.
Eli made the “mistake” of asking what tampons were. And there it began. Kendall took lead and explained in simple and
brief terms what a period is. Catching
the concept that having a period meant you were not pregnant, Evan, who is
always wanting me to be pregnant, asked, “Has mom already had her period this
month?” I told him that I’m not
pregnant. Evan said, “You could be. You could have just gotten pregnant. You don’t know.” Kendall had been gone since Monday, just
getting back that same night in time for youth group. I was quite certain I didn’t just get
pregnant. At this point I began to
giggle uncontrollably. Eli began to
protest. When his protests went unheeded,
he began to cover his ears in misery and say, “Lalalalalalala.”
Evan was thoroughly enjoying the whole conversation. He was laughing and just not getting it. Kendall explained that it takes a man to get
pregnant. Yes, Evan knew that. But why wouldn’t I be pregnant just because
Dad has been gone all week? Do they have
to be touching or something? The lalalalalaing
from the top bunk intensifies. I’m
literally crying with laughter.
So Kendall tries to start at the beginning: You know your testicles? “Yes.”
Well, that’s where sperm is made.
“ Eww!
So it comes out like poop!?” No! Sperm has nothing to do with poop. “Oh, that’s intestines.” Your
testicles are those two balls. “Oh!” (I’m sure he knew that.) Your
testicles make sperm and then it comes out.
“Where does it come out? Do they
open up?” No, sperm comes out of the penis.
“They’re connected?!” By this
point, Evan was loving the conversation. It had become hilarious for everyone
involved. (Except not at all for
Eli. He was still covering his ears
wailing and moaning in agony.)
Apparently we needed more background information than we
thought. So we back up and try to start
even more at the beginning: Have you heard of sex? “Yes.”
What do you think it is? “You know (giggling embarrassment), when
you’re married…” So are me and Dad having sex right now?
“No, it’s like when you love each other…” (?!) Well, the penis and vagina go together to
have the sperm and egg meet. “What?!
They just go together? How do you know?” Well,
you put them together. (At this
point Eli is beside himself in anguish.
I am still laughing hysterically and wiping tears. Kendall is holding it together. And Evan is thoroughly enjoying the
conversation.)
Evan was astounded at this new mind-boggling information. He laughingly urged us to do it right then. He even gave us permission to go to our room
or something. This kid is desperate for
a new baby in the house.
Poor Eli. Now that
the worst appeared to be over, he moaned, “Why did I ask about tampons? What are we going to talk about next? Puberty?!”
Kendall jokingly started in on the new subject matter, sending him
diving back under his pillow. Evan loved
the fact that this fascinating conversation (and bedtime stalling) was possibly
going to continue. He quickly piped up, “What’s
puberty?!” We put an end to it. That conversation will be saved for another
time.
I wiped my tears and Kendall and I left the room. As we walked out I heard Evan still finding
everything funny. He asked, “Eli, were you
praying that we would stop talking about that?”
The conversation was a great way to end the day. I never expected The Talk to be so hilarious
and entertaining. I guess it ended up
being a family bonding moment.
