School!?!

I'm experiencing a low-grade panic right now. Eli and I just got home from enrolling him in school. I have to say that I didn't really expect these feelings I'm having. Eli loved his daycare last year and really seemed to thrive there, so I've been thinking about how this will be good for him. He's very social. At school he'll be able to make friends and have a good social outlet. Personally, I love one-on-one time with my kids, so I've been looking forward to some of that with Evan. Also on a personal level, I look forward to being able to be involved in the community this way and meeting more people.

But about 2 days ago I experienced my first bout of anxiety about sending Eli off to school. And today when he and I walked down to the school together, I realized that he wasn't that into holding my hand. He wanted to run ahead. As he was running ahead of me, I realized that he looks like a kindergartener. Then we got in to register and it all just felt so out of my control. They told me how many days a week his class will be meeting. They gave me a schedule for the day. They gave me a schedule for the school year. They told me who his teacher will be.

I'm not ready to be controlled by a school schedule. What if Eli gets to bed late and needs to sleep in? What if he's struggling and needs to sit on the couch with me past the time school starts? What if we want to take off and visit Indiana for a week? Or Winnepeg for a couple days?

As far as Eli goes, he's excited about school. He already met a boy who will also be in Kindergarten. (I met his mom at the toy library and she told me that her husband is a paramedic. So I have dreams of Kendall and him becoming friends, Eli and her son becoming friends, and then our families becoming great friends. She just might be my great friend someday! I have lots of scenarios like this worked out in my mind, but maybe I'll save those for another post.) But back to Eli...He really did well in preschool last year. I was glad that he wasn't going to kindergarten for another year, but was hoping to put him in preschool here a couple days a week. But once we got here, I learned that any child who turns 5 by the end of 2008 is eligible for kindergarten. So Eli would have just missed it in the States, but here he just makes it. This is one of those times that it would be so nice to know what the future holds. If I knew that we were going back to the States, I would want him to be in Junior Kindergarten here. (This is optional. This year Junior Kindergarten and regular Kindergarten are meeting together this year, but the younger class only goes for 2 days a week instead of 3.) Then he would be ready for Kindergarten in Indiana next year. I don't really want him to be in 1st grade next year in the States- I don't want him to be way younger than everyone else in his class. So anyway, it works out well that the 2 Kindergartens are going to be together here. That way I feel like I have some flexibility to go either way next year. I think that socially and academically, Eli could do Kindergarten. Physically, I'm wondering if he has my family's genes (scrawny late-bloomers we are) and I would rather have him be older in his class rather than way younger. I'm rambling and maybe not making sense, but that's how my mind is working right now.

By the way, I'm sure my mild panic was not helped by the fact that when I was filling out Eli's paperwork I did not know our street address (everyone uses PO boxes), my kid's have no doctor (I don't even know the name of a local doctor), and I had to provide an emergency contact (Who? And once I decided who, I had no idea of her phone number or PO box). The last one there brought me the closest to tears.

So next Wednesday marks the end of an era. For the next who-knows-how-many years I will be a mother of school children. I'll be happy for Eli, but it's taking more work for me to be happy than I thought it would.