A Late-Night Panic

So the other night I nearly had a panic attack and had to stay up late to reckon with God. It started when I was trying to order photos online. A simple matter, right? Well, I was in a hurry, but the computer was not. Then several things went wrong and we'll just say it ended up taking a very long and frustrating time. That always makes me all tense.

While I sat there waiting, I opened a bill and saw that it was due the next day. Oops. So at 11:00 pm I was on the phone trying to take care of that and on the phone with Walgreens trying to fix my photo order. When I looked at my bill I also went online to look at our Canadian and US bank accounts. I won't go into gory detail here, but what I saw was quite disconcerting. (To say the least…the very least.)

It had been a rough day with the boys. I was feeling very overwhelmed by the chaos that sometimes seems to reign in this house. Earlier in the evening I had almost started crying while talking to Kendra about my frustration with my children. And I'm not really blaming it on them- at least I know I shouldn't. I know that I need to change something in myself. But sometimes it feels too chaotic to even think clearly. Sort of like I'm running around putting out fires and can't ever quite get around to taking care of the arsonist.

And I was sitting in a disorganized living room. (I'm in the middle of a painting project.) My setting really affects my feelings of calm or chaos.

I was quite aware that these are common issues. Probably most of the people I know have faced or are facing these same issues. (Except those that still do good old fashioned film developing.) I was also aware that these are minor issues compared to what most of the world faces. So, while I feel a bit wimpy, indulge me for a moment.

By the time my "tasks" were taken care of I was so tight and tense and panicky, that I knew it would never do to go to bed and try to sleep. I decided that I needed to talk with God. Even more, I desperately needed to hear from him.

Here's what I read (along with my inner commentary):

Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Did they have any idea what they were following him to? That a storm was waiting for them? Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. That's how I feel right now. Chaos. Like waves are sweeping over me so fast that I can't hardly catch my breath. But Jesus was sleeping. Really? You're sleeping? Thanks, man. The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!" Yes, I feel a bit like I'm drowning…financially…as a mom. Save us! He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" I hear some affection here. And a sigh. Haven't we always seen God provide financially? We've seen these storms before. And parenting? I think he can help us there too. Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves and it was completely calm. Yes, he has the power to do this. I'm not sure he will do it, at least in the way I want, but I believe he can. The men were amazed and asked, "What kind of man is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!"

So I was able to reaffirm within myself that God is in control. He may have been sleeping in the boat- I don't quite get that one- but I think he was aware too. I do trust God. At least I want to.