Grateful and Sad

Yesterday was the day of the fateful eye surgery.  Mom and Dad got here Monday, so Tuesday morning after Kendall got home from night shift, we took of for Winnipeg.  No kids.  We had fun Tuesday afternoon and evening.  Wednesday morning we went for a nice breakfast and were at the hospital by 9:00.

Before long I was in the chair as nervous as could be.  They tipped me back and started prepping me for surgery.  The surgery was traumatic.  All I was given was a local anesthetic, so it was a lot like being at the dentist, except way worse.  You know how you look away from scary instruments and needles?  Well, that's a little difficult when it's the eye that's being worked on and they keep telling you to open your eye.  Yes, those instruments of torture healing loomed large in my vision as they neared my eye.  The sound of snipping and the smell of cauterizing right by my nose were sickening.  I won't go into greater detail, but it was horrible. 

Finally they covered my eye and took the piece they removed down to pathology to have it tested.  If we heard back that it was all clear, then they would take me in and do the reconstruction.  If the lab said that the cancer was at the edge of the piece, then I would go back in for round two.  They would do that as often as they needed to in order to get it all.  I sat in a waiting area.  When they brought Kendall in, he asked how it was.  I just started crying. 

We waited an hour or so until I heard the phone ring.  The nurse picked it up.  I heard her say, "Negative?  So it's all clear?  Great!"  Thank you, Jesus!  And soon I was back on the chair having my eyelid put back together.  They had to put in some local anesthetic again, but I was still mostly numb, so the needle was less traumatic that time.  The stitches were not nice at all, but less sickening that the cutting.  And the string tickled my face.  By the way.

My eye is not stitched closed.  Thank you, Jesus, again!  The nurse told Kendall that they took around half an inch out.  Somehow, they were able to pull it closed. 

We got home and a group of fellow pirates greeted me at the door.  That cheered me up.  I was happy to see my kids again!

After supper we took off the bandage.  I was not prepared for what was underneath.  I was terribly disappointed to see the results of the reconstruction.  My eye does not look nice.  I couldn't believe it when I looked in the mirror.  I know we aren't yet seeing the final result.  There is redness, swelling and stitches that won't be there.  But it will look quite different.

The boys were also unprepared for what they saw.  It seemed to shake them.  If I would have known how it was going to look, I would not have removed the bandages in front of them.  Kendall, on the other hand, was quite relieved with what he saw.  I didn't know, but he had spoken with our family doctor and she had talked about all that could go wrong. 

So, I am thankful that the surgery went as well as it did.  I am grappling with how it changed my eye and trying to accept that.  I am concerned about the boys.  One of them quietly said it was creepy.  When I reassured him that it would get better, he wondered if it would be better by the time we go to church.  It will be something for them to get used to too.

I am thankful that I am comfortable enough with who I am that this doesn't destroy me, but it is a loss.  I am thankful that it was taken care of with a simple (though traumatic) surgery and will not have long-term effects on my health.  I am thankful that it was only my eyelid and doesn't affect my vision.  I am thankful that it was me and not one of my kids.  I have so much to be thankful for and I don't want to lose sight of that. 

I am sad.  I am grateful.