A Decision

In my last post I said that I had a mixture of emotions, “like usual,” but actually it was a bit different this time. Kendall and I have been wanting to make a decision about staying in Red Lake or moving. So far, we came up for a year and then decided to extend our time by another year. We decided that after that we didn’t want to go year by year. We would either move away or stay here without a specific time limit. The decision has felt really complicated this time. What it has boiled down to, though, is quite simple: Kendall prefers to stay longer and I prefer to move back to Goshen sooner.

In reality, it would be very difficult for me to say goodbye. I really like Red Lake. I have made some very good friends. I am enjoying living in a small town. I’ve gotten involved in our church, the boys’ school, and other places. I enjoy the different flavor of outdoors up here. There is something unique about the culture up here that I really like. (Other than saying that it’s more laid-back, I really can’t put my finger on exactly what it is about the culture.) In a lot of ways, I feel like I belong here.

But there are some things I’m having a hard time giving up. It’s hard to be far from family and the natural support system that family provides. I really miss some of my friends. (You just can’t reproduce a 10 or 20 or 30-year friendship in a couple years.) In some ways, I feel further from family here than I did in Texas, which actually put more miles between us. In El Paso, we were a 10-minute drive from the airport, then $200 and 3 hours later we were in Chicago. Here it’s either an 18-hour drive (which I’m not brave enough to do on my own) or a 5-hour drive to the airport and lots of money to Chicago. So it feels much more complicated, expensive and time-consuming to visit back and forth. I also gave up some dreams that felt specific to the Goshen area when we moved up here.

So for the past few months I’ve been waiting (and pleading) for “God’s Voice.” If God called us to stay here, I could stay and be quite happy. If God called us to go to Indiana, Kendall could be quite happy. In fact, there are lots of places I could go if only God called us. When I feel like I’m here for Kendall’s sake, I am mad at him when I’m homesick or struggling with the long winter. The same could easily happen if Kendall would move somewhere for my sake. (Though I think he might be better at not attaching his emotions to me.) So I’ve been really frustrated with God. He could make things so much easier for us if only he “called” us.

When we left to travel south on Christmas Day I was pretty sure that we were planning to stay in Red Lake for at least a few more years. But I was not ready to say okay. While in Iowa and Indiana, we had quite a few occasions to process with family and friends. And, just as I suspected, on our drive back we decided to stay in Red Lake longer.

Several things (not everything) in this decision make a lot of sense to me. Here are some of them:

1. In talking with some other friends that are planning a move, one addressed my frustration with not hearing the "Voice of God.” (pronounced 'Gawwd') What I took from our conversation is that this may be what walking by faith looks like right now. Not specifically hearing God speak in this situation may take more faith than clearly hearing God spell out every little detail to me. I had to think about the verse that says something like, “Whether you turn to the left or to the right, you will hear a voice behind you saying, ‘This is the way. Walk in it.’” Not sure what all that means, but I find it heartening somehow.

2. Kendall and I are both aware that if/when we ever move away from Red Lake, we will most likely not move back here again. It took lots of processing and discussion, but Kendall finally realized that this is part of why he’s not ready. We can move to Goshen at any time, but once we leave here, that’s probably it for Red Lake.

3. Kendall is just now feeling settled in his job.

4. If I can accept the remoteness of this town and the distance from my people in the south, I can really enjoy life here.

5. The boys are very happy here and I believe they would also be very happy in Indiana.

So here we are. And here we shall stay for an unknown amount of time. I am trying to trust God, even if I am still a bit peeved at him for his (perceived) silence.

I will choose to once again dive into life and enjoy all that we have here.