Keeping the Homefires Burning

What a crazy week the past 7 days have been! So full of decisions and emotions.

Soon after the earthquake in Haiti, I thought about Kendall’s family involvement in that country. His grandpa started a mission there, Water for Life, drilling wells. Most, if not all, of Kendall’s extended family have been there at some point. Several have been there for extended periods of time. Currently, Kendall’s aunt and uncle and a cousin are living in Haiti- his aunt and uncle in Port au Prince and his cousin in another town. I had a thought that probably in a few months, the men in Kendall’s family would want to go down to do construction. I told myself, “You have to be supportive and let him go.” It looked big.

Late Sunday night in the 3 hours between a 12-hour day shift and an 8-hour night shift (not smart), Kendall got a call from his brother, Jared, in Fort Wayne. Jared was getting a medical group around to go to Haiti. Kendall was getting ready to go in to work, so nothing was decided then. Monday he decided he would go, leaving on Tuesday. The hospital let him off work. As the day went on, things were not going so well on the Fort Wayne end. Jared called and said they couldn’t leave as soon as he thought- they might go later in the week, but it would probably be the following Monday. That evening (Monday), Kendall got a call asking him to work another night shift. He took it, thinking about the work he would be missing if he went to Haiti the following week.

Tuesday morning while Kendall was sleeping after work, I got a call from Jared saying that they were flying out of Florida Thursday, so Kendall needed to be there by the following night (Wednesday). This is very confusing, I know. It was so fast. I won’t go into more details about getting ready, but we’ll just say it felt extremely stressful and chaotic on top of the other emotions we were feeling at the time. We both felt scared. The reports out of Haiti at that time were scarier than what we’re seeing now.

Through the craziness, I felt a peace. I wasn’t sure how the many aspects of it would work out, but it just seemed like this was what we were to do.

He finally left early Wednesday morning. He drove 5 hours to Winnipeg and finally landed in Orlando close to midnight. The team then drove an hour or two to the town they would be leaving from in the morning.

It’s been a rough week. But somehow I am just really sensing God’s grace. I’m not sure how else to put it. Some of it is through people. (Of course we just decided to stay up here in Red Lake and now I would love to be able to be at my parents’ and with my sister-in-law in nearby Fort Wayne.) But my community up here has been so supportive. So far, I haven’t sat at home for an evening. And I don’t plan to. I feel so much better when I’m with people. I’ve been invited places and when I’m not invited anywhere, I’ve pushed myself to invite myself to someone’s house.

Yesterday after church, one of the men came up to me and invited us over to his family’s house in the afternoon so he could play in the snow with the boys. He said, “I saw them during church and just thought maybe they could run off some energy and maybe they needed a father figure.” It is true that the boys were crawling over the row of chairs in front of me and that sometimes their feet were sticking up out of the row more than their heads and that Evan found it necessary to speak very loudly to me and that there was just a low-grade craziness in my little area of the church. I will also say that it felt like a very laid back Sunday because of weather-related cancellations and few people showing up, so I wasn’t overly strict or concerned. And I will say that their behavior wasn’t that different from any Sunday Kendall is working. But even so, I appreciated it. And no, I would not have appreciated it from just anyone. But this particular man is distantly related to Kendall and I have just decided that because of the lack of relatives here, his family is our family. So, I leave off the ‘2^nd’s and ‘3^rd’s and say that his daughters are my cousins and his grandson is Eli and Evan’s cousin. That’s how I decided to look at it. So late afternoon, I took the boys to “Uncle Walter’s” and I went inside and chatted with “Aunt Sue.” He ran them hard outside, building snowboys and sledding and climbing.

I’m also sensing God’s grace in that I’m mostly doing okay at taking things one day at a time. I fight fear, but I’ve been able to fight it decently well. I feel like this is a way that I can give and I know Kendall is doing a wonderful job of nursing- both bodies and spirits.

Last night I ended up having a long chat with my sister-in-law, Jolene (Jared’s wife) via facebook chat. It started out with sadness. We’ve both been very emotional and are dealing with some of the same things. The chat degenerated into a hilarious dialogue. I’m sure it was terribly inappropriate, considering what our husbands are actually experiencing. We were both sitting at our computers cracking up. If my neighbor had been listening outside my door, she would have thought I was sobbing and gasping for breath. If she had gone outside to peek in my window, she would have thought that I had finally gone over the edge when she saw my insane laughter. I have a transcript of the conversation that still cracks me up when I look at it. We’ll just say that communication breaks down between husband and wife when you are limited to a very few expensive minutes on the phone every once in awhile. The ones in Haiti just aren’t able to express all of their genuine love and missing-you-ness and concern for your well-being. And the ones keeping the homefires burning know that their husbands are busy and want to be supportive and don’t want to add to any burdens. So we vented and the cracked ourselves up and went back to talking about the tears. It was so good to laugh like that between the tears and the stomachaches.

Not that it has been all tears and stomachaches. Though I can’t wait til he’s back, I’m glad Kendall is in Haiti right now. I’m glad we can give in this way. I’m glad that Kendall can have this experience. I have thought about women in the military whose husbands leave for a much, much longer time and go to much more dangerous situations. I know that in the bigger picture, this is not that long and that there are more dangerous places to be. Even though I can’t have my parents right now, I have a very good community to be in. Lots of support.

I’m feeling thankful.

Little Pigs

Something different from Haiti news...

Evan has this thing about Eli seeing him less than fully dressed. (Never mind that they bathe together.) It's a joke to him, but he always tries to hide from Eli when his underwear is exposed.

Just now he wanted me to quickly button up his shirt. He said, "If Eli sees my little pigs, he tries to get me."

"Your what?"

"Little pigs."

"Who told you that?"

"You did."

Another misunderstanding. The other day when he was happily freaking out about Eli seeing his "boobies," I tried to explain that they're not so private for boys. And besides, on boys they're called 'pecs.' Apparently understood as 'pigs.'

January 23

I just heard from Kendall. He sounded good. He said they're working at Hospital Adventista Diquini. Diquini is also the name of the area. I just googled it and I think I found the exact spot on a satellite map. Click here to see it.

Kendall said they've been leaving for the hospital around 7 am and return around 7pm. They have a 45 minute drive to the hospital from where they are staying.

Kendall didn't even seem to know about the after shock that was bothering me so much last night. He said the night before they felt one while they were in their tent, but Jared, who was on an air mattress, didn't even feel it.

I asked Kendall if it has been traumatic for him at the hospital. He said not really, but that maybe it will hit him later. Sounds like he's just doing what he needs to do right now.

He said it's really unorganized. They have patients out in the yard. When it's time for surgery, they go look for the patient. When they find the patient they bring them in for surgery and sometimes they end up refusing surgery because they don't want an amputation. Then they go look for the next person on the list.

I can't imagine. My first thought is, "Get the amputation! It's better than dying from gangrene!" But we would grieve the loss, deal with the emotions, get a prosthesis and lots of physical therapy and learn to work with it. Who knows if/when these people will be able to get a prosthesis. If they don't work in an office, how will they work without a leg? I just can't imagine the loss this would be in the situation so many people in Haiti are currently in.

Kendall said he hasn't seen any violence or anything like it. Where there are lines, people seem orderly. And he feels like they're staying in a good place.

So I'm feeling good since talking to Kendall. I was getting worried he wasn't going to call tonight either and just felt like I really needed to talk to him. It was good to hear that he's doing well.

Okay, I feel crappier than I hoped I would at bedtime tonight. This morning there was another after shock. I didn't let it bother me too much during the day, but by tonight I was really hoping for a call. I just needed some reassurance.

I didn't get a call, but Jolene let me know that Jared called her. He said that the guys were at the hospital today and that Kendall was in on many surgeries, amputations, etc. and that he was busy with that most of the day. He'll be back there tomorrow.

He said they are eating good Haitian food.

The part that's causing my crappy feelings is that Jared said they are predicting another earthquake in the next 36 hours. I was hoping that it was just a rumor floating around the area where they are, but I googled it and did find some things about big earthquakes being predicted soon. (I know, I know...you can find anything you want to find or don't want to find posted on the internet.)

Anyway, I feel slightly better just writing this. I hope to talk to Kendall soon! Keep praying. Thanks.

January 21

I talked to Kendall in Port au Prince tonight! I just dialed Jared's cell phone number as if I was calling Indiana and there was Kendall!

They are staying in a school compound. (Incidentally, it's a school where his cousins attended years ago.) Half of the people staying at the school are US military. The other half belong to a logistics organization. It's a Christian group that is organizing volunteers- getting volunteers to hospitals, serving meals, etc.

They are sleeping in a tent- no sleeping bag or mat, but never fear, Kendall was sweating as it was. 100 degrees today. There are washrooms inside the school that they can use.

Tomorrow they are scheduled to work at a hospital starting at 6:30 am. They will be doing surgery.

Kendall said that they saw some of the destruction today. He saw no bodies. No bad smell. No violence.

He sounded upbeat. I wonder what all he will see and experience tomorrow.

Keep praying. Thanks.

7:45 am Central Time

Kendall just called. He is in the plane in Florida, waiting to take off. The flight is 2 hours long. So that means they should be on the ground around 10:00 my time. I'm so nervous and even a bit excited.

One of his parting comments was, "Can you call the Canadian government and see about adoption?" Anyone have the phone number for the government? :) Anyway, we are looking into that. Who knows?

By the way, last night I came across this blog. Melissa Yoder had a link on her blog. It was exactly what I needed. I think I'll be replacing some of the worrisome CNN coverage with this blog. This family has hope in the midst of really hard things.

Here is something from the blog that made me let out a huge sigh of relief:

The reports of violence - we don't get those. Have not seen it. Have not experienced it. Nothing even remotely close. People are helping each other and are warm and kind and humble. People are seeking each other out and checking to see how friends/acquaintances are recovering.

I know the unrest is still real, but I needed to hear another perspective.

Haiti

A quick update and request for prayer-

It looks like Kendall is going to Haiti. Leaving tomorrow.

It's all happening so fast, but I guess that's the nature of a disaster- it's unplanned and unorganized.

His brother, Jared, called Sunday night saying that he was going with a group including some doctors and could Kendall go along as a nurse?

I'll try to update more tomorrow once he's off and things are calmed down a bit around here.

Colors

Since I apparently cannot stop talking about my eldest son, I need to tell you about the Ojibway he is learning. He brought home a booklet of color words. Here are a few examples:

Aniibiiwaa- green

Makadewaa- black

Miskowisaawaa- orange

And, last but not least, Wishaawashkwaa- blue

We're hoping there's not a spelling test coming up any time soon.

Another story about Eli. He wanted to watch TV and I said no. He could hardly accept that- after all, "I used to let him." He couldn't understand the perceived change in this mother he thought he knew so well.

The verdict, from his mouth: "I don't like the 'changing you.'"

Mis-heard

Perhaps the boys watched the movie 'Chicken Little' a few too many times on the trip south. The movie includes a version of the song "We are the Champions" by Queen. Okay? So get that song in your head. Well, we're in the car and all of the sudden Eli belts out (with much emotion) "God is the chicken! I am the loser!"

He got mixed up in more than one way. He meant to say, "I am the chicken! God is the loser!" What Chicken Little's song actually says is, "I am the champions, What's gone is the loser!" He heard/understood wrong.

It was one of those times when I was glad that whatever was going on in his head came out of his mouth so I could correct his faulty thinking.

A Decision

In my last post I said that I had a mixture of emotions, “like usual,” but actually it was a bit different this time. Kendall and I have been wanting to make a decision about staying in Red Lake or moving. So far, we came up for a year and then decided to extend our time by another year. We decided that after that we didn’t want to go year by year. We would either move away or stay here without a specific time limit. The decision has felt really complicated this time. What it has boiled down to, though, is quite simple: Kendall prefers to stay longer and I prefer to move back to Goshen sooner.

In reality, it would be very difficult for me to say goodbye. I really like Red Lake. I have made some very good friends. I am enjoying living in a small town. I’ve gotten involved in our church, the boys’ school, and other places. I enjoy the different flavor of outdoors up here. There is something unique about the culture up here that I really like. (Other than saying that it’s more laid-back, I really can’t put my finger on exactly what it is about the culture.) In a lot of ways, I feel like I belong here.

But there are some things I’m having a hard time giving up. It’s hard to be far from family and the natural support system that family provides. I really miss some of my friends. (You just can’t reproduce a 10 or 20 or 30-year friendship in a couple years.) In some ways, I feel further from family here than I did in Texas, which actually put more miles between us. In El Paso, we were a 10-minute drive from the airport, then $200 and 3 hours later we were in Chicago. Here it’s either an 18-hour drive (which I’m not brave enough to do on my own) or a 5-hour drive to the airport and lots of money to Chicago. So it feels much more complicated, expensive and time-consuming to visit back and forth. I also gave up some dreams that felt specific to the Goshen area when we moved up here.

So for the past few months I’ve been waiting (and pleading) for “God’s Voice.” If God called us to stay here, I could stay and be quite happy. If God called us to go to Indiana, Kendall could be quite happy. In fact, there are lots of places I could go if only God called us. When I feel like I’m here for Kendall’s sake, I am mad at him when I’m homesick or struggling with the long winter. The same could easily happen if Kendall would move somewhere for my sake. (Though I think he might be better at not attaching his emotions to me.) So I’ve been really frustrated with God. He could make things so much easier for us if only he “called” us.

When we left to travel south on Christmas Day I was pretty sure that we were planning to stay in Red Lake for at least a few more years. But I was not ready to say okay. While in Iowa and Indiana, we had quite a few occasions to process with family and friends. And, just as I suspected, on our drive back we decided to stay in Red Lake longer.

Several things (not everything) in this decision make a lot of sense to me. Here are some of them:

1. In talking with some other friends that are planning a move, one addressed my frustration with not hearing the "Voice of God.” (pronounced 'Gawwd') What I took from our conversation is that this may be what walking by faith looks like right now. Not specifically hearing God speak in this situation may take more faith than clearly hearing God spell out every little detail to me. I had to think about the verse that says something like, “Whether you turn to the left or to the right, you will hear a voice behind you saying, ‘This is the way. Walk in it.’” Not sure what all that means, but I find it heartening somehow.

2. Kendall and I are both aware that if/when we ever move away from Red Lake, we will most likely not move back here again. It took lots of processing and discussion, but Kendall finally realized that this is part of why he’s not ready. We can move to Goshen at any time, but once we leave here, that’s probably it for Red Lake.

3. Kendall is just now feeling settled in his job.

4. If I can accept the remoteness of this town and the distance from my people in the south, I can really enjoy life here.

5. The boys are very happy here and I believe they would also be very happy in Indiana.

So here we are. And here we shall stay for an unknown amount of time. I am trying to trust God, even if I am still a bit peeved at him for his (perceived) silence.

I will choose to once again dive into life and enjoy all that we have here.

We’re home. After a fun and crazy two weeks, we try to settle back in again. I feel like I have been living on coffee (and lots of food) for a couple weeks, but I guess that’s part of the fun.

Like usual, I had a mixture of emotions leaving Indiana and coming back to Red Lake. Unfortunately, the sight that greeted me in our living room was not helpful at all. Our cozy Christmas tree had turned into the tree version of a mangy dog:


I laughed and laughed when I saw it. Then I realized that Kendall was going into work that night and would sleep the entire next day. I thought, “I can’t go through my first 24 hours back with that creepy and depressing thing staring at me!” So my kind and compassionate husband sacrificed a portion of his very few hours of sleep before the night shift and took it out behind the barn and shot it. Thank you, Kendall.

By the way, I wrote a book about "The Decision," but I have to do some editing before I post.

Christmas Down South

So I thought it was about time for me to post all the pictures from our 2 weeks away. Here they are, in chronological order:

Cameron, the boys' hero.



We had a session in which the siblings were able to work out all of their childhood aggression.



Actually, they're pulling taffy.




There is most definitely a lynx hiding in those weeds.



That's it. Yes, those were all the pictures on our camera from the trip. Pathetic. We have so many photographers in both of our families, that I usually get lazy with the camera and then download everyone else's pictures onto our computer. But somehow that didn't happen. Can anyone help me out?