It's Good

So we’ve been back in Red Lake for nearly 2 weeks. I feel so much healthier than I did in April. March and April were hard months for me. I’m sure it was, at least in part, connected to the weather.

Most of the winter went much better than expected. I enjoyed the challenge of learning to do winter here. It was very sunny. I felt okay trading Northern Indiana’s dreary winter for a very cold, but bright and beautiful Red Lake winter. It was exciting to watch the thermometer drop and to see the snow pile up. Up here people are prepared for the winter. They dress for it and keep houses toasty warm and don’t let the cold keep them inside. I tried my best to adopt the northern frontier woman’s spirit and I think I did okay. Until “spring” sprung. And by ‘sprung’, I mean that the calendar said it was March 20th. That’s all.

March and April were difficult. Other women who grew up further south had warned me. But somehow it still hit me hard. I’ll spare you the details and just say that I’m still feeling somewhat scarred and shaky. Mild depression is something I’ve dealt with off and on since college. (That’s the first I remember identifying what I was experiencing.) It is, for me, very often weather-related. March and April were no exceptions. Depression shows up in me mostly as anger and lack of motivation (sometimes feeling more like paralysis). It feels like heavy, oppressive clouds that so often match the weather outside. I hate it and I fight it, but I think I need to, on some level, accept it as an occasional visitor in my life. When it decides to drop by for an extended visit, I try to make sure to get out of the house a lot, get exercise, see people and get plenty of sleep. And when all else fails, I just do what I did this spring: I just hung on for dear life until May 4, the day we started our voyage into greener, more southerly pastures. I felt like that was pretty much all I was up to- just hanging on.

Anyway, when Kendall and I first talked about spending some time in Iowa and Indiana, I almost didn’t want to go. With my state of mind, I just didn’t know how I could handle going and saying goodbye again. I miss my family and my long-time friendships, to put it simply. But Kendall encouraged me, saying that maybe I needed it and maybe it would be worth it.

It was. I needed that shot of warm weather, of green, of family, and of old relationships. I felt so much healthier by the time we drove back into Red Lake. It was nice to come back when it was getting warmer and greener. I was able to plant part of my garden within a week of being back. (A large portion of it is sitting beside me right now- plants that are ready to be put into the garden, but waiting until the weather is ready to support them.) The ice was off the lakes by the time we got back, so we get to see bright blue lakes again. The leaves are coming out on the trees. Tulips and daffodils are blooming. The bears are awake again and we’ve gotten to see a few while driving. It’s good.

It’s been good to get back and remember that I have a place here. I’m at home at church. I stop and chat with people I know at the store, on the street, at the school, at the post office, at the library, in the yard. I have friends that I count on seeing and connecting with each week- at our weekly lunch at Jenni’s, at toy library, at Friday night small group, at church. It’s good.

Yes, I still feel a bit shaky. It’s that feeling that hangs on for awhile after a traumatic experience. I’m not sure about doing the long winter again, but I’ll try not to worry about that now. After all, I made it and now we are into our balmy, beautiful summer. (Oops. I lied about the ‘balmy’ part and the ‘beautiful’ part is still in process.) But we’re on our way and it’s good.