The Talk

We recently had one of the more hilarious conversations of our 10 ½ years of parenthood.

Eli made the “mistake” of asking what tampons were.  And there it began.  Kendall took lead and explained in simple and brief terms what a period is.  Catching the concept that having a period meant you were not pregnant, Evan, who is always wanting me to be pregnant, asked, “Has mom already had her period this month?”  I told him that I’m not pregnant.  Evan said, “You could be.  You could have just gotten pregnant.  You don’t know.”  Kendall had been gone since Monday, just getting back that same night in time for youth group.  I was quite certain I didn’t just get pregnant.  At this point I began to giggle uncontrollably.  Eli began to protest.  When his protests went unheeded, he began to cover his ears in misery and say, “Lalalalalalala.”

Evan was thoroughly enjoying the whole conversation.  He was laughing and just not getting it.  Kendall explained that it takes a man to get pregnant.  Yes, Evan knew that.  But why wouldn’t I be pregnant just because Dad has been gone all week?  Do they have to be touching or something?  The lalalalalaing from the top bunk intensifies.  I’m literally crying with laughter. 

So Kendall tries to start at the beginning: You know your testicles?  “Yes.”  Well, that’s where sperm is made.  “ Eww!  So it comes out like poop!?”  No! Sperm has nothing to do with poop.  “Oh, that’s intestines.”  Your testicles are those two balls.  “Oh!”  (I’m sure he knew that.)  Your testicles make sperm and then it comes out.  “Where does it come out?  Do they open up?”  No, sperm comes out of the penis.  “They’re connected?!”  By this point, Evan was loving the conversation. It had become hilarious for everyone involved.  (Except not at all for Eli.  He was still covering his ears wailing and moaning in agony.)

Apparently we needed more background information than we thought.  So we back up and try to start even more at the beginning:  Have you heard of sex?  “Yes.”  What do you think it is?  “You know (giggling embarrassment), when you’re married…”  So are me and Dad having sex right now?  “No, it’s like when you love each other…”  (?!)  Well, the penis and vagina go together to have the sperm and egg meet.  “What?! They just go together?  How do you know?”  Well, you put them together.  (At this point Eli is beside himself in anguish.  I am still laughing hysterically and wiping tears.  Kendall is holding it together.  And Evan is thoroughly enjoying the conversation.) 

Evan was astounded at this new mind-boggling information.  He laughingly urged us to do it right then.  He even gave us permission to go to our room or something.  This kid is desperate for a new baby in the house.

Poor Eli.  Now that the worst appeared to be over, he moaned, “Why did I ask about tampons?  What are we going to talk about next?  Puberty?!”  Kendall jokingly started in on the new subject matter, sending him diving back under his pillow.  Evan loved the fact that this fascinating conversation (and bedtime stalling) was possibly going to continue.  He quickly piped up, “What’s puberty?!”  We put an end to it.  That conversation will be saved for another time.

I wiped my tears and Kendall and I left the room.  As we walked out I heard Evan still finding everything funny.  He asked, “Eli, were you praying that we would stop talking about that?”

The conversation was a great way to end the day.  I never expected The Talk to be so hilarious and entertaining.  I guess it ended up being a family bonding moment.